When people in the future look back at Britain in 2023, one thing that will confuse them is how the word “do-gooder” became an insult.
They’ll wonder why there were people who said: “Boris Johnson is foul, he’s an absolutely inhuman heartless bastard. That’s why I’m voting for him, because he’s not a fucking do-gooder.”
Politicians make complaints such as: “To boost public finances, we made plans to introduce a dementia tax, to help old people pay for their care. This would have been extremely useful, because old people would forget they’d paid it and pay for it a second time, bringing extra funds to the economy. But the usual do-gooders protested and so we’ve had to scrap it.”
Or the head of a council will say: “We had plans to dig up a sacred Japanese burial ground to make way for a lap-dancing club for trafficked Latvians, but do-gooder lawyers have said it’s illegal and spoilt everything.”
This was the complaint about Gary Lineker: “How DARE this do-gooder see families fleeing a war and feel compassion? All those goals count for NOTHING if he doesn’t want to stand on the beach at Dover firing air rifle pellets to burst their dinghies.”
Then they say: “I don’t see HIM putting up any of these refugees.” And when it’s pointed out that he does put up refugees, they shriek: “Oh NO. So he’s not even a hypocrite, that’s even WORSE.”
One of the complaints often made about do-gooders who try to help immigrants is that this is a CHRISTIAN country, so they should blend in with our Christian values, such as when Jesus said: “We should do unto others as we would do unto ants that have crawled into the kitchen.”
In particular, if anyone feels the urge to help out someone who’s coming over on a boat, they should remember the story of the do-gooder Samaritan. He saw a starving traveller and helped him out, which is why the Romans had no choice but to ban him from presenting Crucifixion of the Day.
Conservative deputy-chairman Lee Anderson said about people who start up food banks: “Every do-gooder is starting these little projects to make themselves feel good.”
This is why, if you’re ever round at someone’s house, and they offer you a dinner, make sure you follow the correct etiquette by punching them in the head for trying to exploit your hunger to make themselves feel good.
When you see an appeal from Oxfam that says: “Four pounds a month could provide fresh water for this village in Somalia and save hundreds of lives”, you must be strong and resist the temptation to send them anything, as that will make you feel good. Instead, you must deliberately waste £4 a month on a subscription for a podcast about hot air ballooning that you have no interest in instead, so you feel disgusting.
We need public information films, which give advice on raising children, that go: “If you see your four-year-old child sharing their toys with a friend, just gently take them to one side and say firmly: ‘NO. If the other child can’t afford their own toys, bollocks to ‘em. They should get their own, the feckless twats. Or at least steal them off the weaker children’.” Then huge letters should appear saying: “DON’T LET YOUR CHILD GROW UP TO BE A DO-GOODER”.
This is the sentiment from announcements on the London Underground that go: “DON’T GIVE TO BEGGARS”. Then they explain: “If you wish to help the homeless, tell the homeless person you’d rather give the money to a registered charity. Or even better, take whatever money other people have given them and throw it on the track. Tell him if he wants it, he can climb across the rails for it, and you’re going to bet on whether he gets electrocuted. That way he’ll develop a sense of self-worth.”
Boris Johnson’s defence of his lockdown parties has an element of stoic resistance to “do-goodery”. A large part of his case, and his grumpy demeanour of “why are we bothering with this?”, suggests he thinks the only people daft enough to follow the rules are do-gooders. If people did stick to his lockdown rules, they only have themselves to blame. If they had any sense, not only would they have visited their dying relative, they’d have grabbed a suitcase of wine and invited all the neighbours and a 32-piece swing jazz band into the intensive care unit to use their uncle’s last night as a way of getting hammered.
One industry that has behaved impeccably to defeat the do-gooder is the car parking business. A few years ago, you would arrive at a car park, and walk to the meter, but often you’d be interrupted by someone who was about to leave.
“Here you are mate,” they’d say, “I’ve got half an hour left on this,” and give you their ticket.
Sometimes you’d return this generosity and do the same for someone else.
So, the car park owners thought “bloody do-gooders, sharing what they’ve paid for. We’ll stop that.”
Now you have to register your car, then download an app because it isn’t covered by the 200 other apps you’ve already downloaded, then type in your pin number that must contain 23 digits, of which two must be Japanese, then speak your location number, then say it again in a Wolverhampton accent. And all this has stopped the neighbourly community-minded do-gooding filth that threatens this country.
So NEVER let anyone call you a do-gooder. If they do, run over a kitten immediately and protect your reputation.